Unicorn Meat

Unicorn Meat
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Still have some Christmas money laying around?  Or, now that the IRS has been ordered to get back to work you’re looking forward to a refund.  Either way, you’r probably going to have a few bucks to burn.  Why not buy Unicorn Meat?

No foolin’ – unicorn meat is real! Excellent source of sparkles! Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don’t know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn’s coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn’s outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat. Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the Sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you’re lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He’ll know what to do.

What’s interesting is that when you look at the posting on Amazon, the site changes to recommend other toys including STEM toys and age appropriate toys. Shouldn’t they have their grocery suggestions instead?

I think products like this are tremendously important to the economy. They add significant value to the market. One way they do this is by encouraging wonderful comments and reviews. Here’s a doosey by Star Trek’s George Takei.

When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it.

Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I’d been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).

Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, “farmed” unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is.

I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger.

I know one friend who bought this but haven’t been able to tell if her life is any more magical than it already was—that would have been a pretty tall order.

Imagine if Voldemort had just used Amazon? How would the Harry Potter books have been different?

I think I’ll leave you with this review:

Turns out this is a toy in pieces and you put it together. I thought i could eat it but, no dice… gets stuck in your throat because it is dry fabric and not really meat at all! I thought it was dehydrated as Unicorns haven’t been around for like at least 30 years i think but, it was still dry. Kind of a bummer cos I love eating wild and exotic game meats like panda, lightly clubbed baby seal, tuna free bottle nose dolphin meat, blue whale, monkey, manatee, baby polar bear, and of course condor. Twas really hoping to add unicorn to the list but, oh well. I ordered a sack of Loch Ness neck fat to my cart and hope it ships soon to make up for this.